It's Just a Broken Heart.

Ed- ya perf.
I know this song is about a break up- but I am applying to Mike's death.

Goodbye
I've got our love to remember 
That will never change 
I have you in my head 
And no, I'll never hold you 
And I'm still asking why 
I guess that this is goodbye 

My dreams suddenly seem so empty 
I could go on my own, but I feel like playin' dead 
And for what feels like the first time 
I don't know where you are tonight 
I guess that this is goodbye 

We lived half our lives together 
A hundred years is a lot of weight to bear 
And the sun, it may be shining 
But there's an ocean in my eyes 
Cause I know that this is goodbye 
Cause I know that this... is goodbye

---------------------------------------------

This morning I am finally uploading pictures from my phone onto dropbox.
Pictures from the 3 days Mike was home for hospice care appeared.
I crumbled, crying.

I often don't cry in front of my kids.

This cry, I was in another room and Ollie heard me.
She grabbed her Papa pillow (a pillow I made from one of Papa's shirts) and gave it to me saying that she wiped her tears on it to let Papa know she was sad.

I'm hugging Ollie's Papa pillow as I'm typing this and listening to Ed's Ukulele Songs.

Mike and I have had some stormy times. There is a song that always comes to mind and I've mentioned it on this blog in the past. It's on Ed's Uke Songs...
"I'll shine when you shine, painted pictures on my mind. Sun sets on this ocean, never once on my devotion. However you are or far that you'll fall..." 
And specifically the line afterward-"I'll keep on healing all the scars that we've collected from the start- I'd rather this than live without you."



-I don't know how to take away that weird white background on the text- derp-

Change and Birthdays

Oh hai.

As things do within time, my life has changed.
Looking back at this blog, I'm grateful I did record to the extent of that part of my life.
Before I remembered I had this blog, I've been trying to remember things from this time period and have fallen into a pool of fragmented mess.

Since the last post here, the biggest change is my family.
The children have grown which is great- that's what they should be doing.
I have grown which is great- and what I should be doing.
The hardest adjustment we have had to make is that Mike is now Ghost Papa who lives in our hearts.

He still helps us grow by helping us talk to ourselves.

Yesterday was our first family birthday party with Ghost Papa.
My rational self tried to be of some assurance for me that Ollie was going to love her party regardless because all she wanted was to be surrounded by friends.

Despite a last minute location change and an unexpected wind chill factor, she had a great time. That is because her birthday party wish came true- for her to be surrounded by friends.

My Little Bit showed me again that she lives in the moment- a quality I admire and cherish.

Thank you to Nanna for supplying her GymFun services, Granny for making Ollie's special request Dora cake, Julie for providing photos, and all Ollie's friends and fam for making this "the best birthday ever."

The Second Photography Class

I had my photography class this morning. I emailed Stephen some of my favorites photos I took last week and he said I had some good ones. He pulled our photos on a monitor in a program called LightRoom. In LightRoom, he could edit and do all kinds of shit. I wanted it, so just a few minutes ago, I told Mike about it.  :) The pics below are edited through LightRoom. We had homework again and got out of class a little early.  I grabbed a quick Eileen's Bakery bite and drove to my rules meeting for Derby. 

After that, we drove a bit aways to see the Flying Circus Air Show and it was awesome.

Loops, amazing take-offs, pyramids, wing walkers...

I took a lot of pics at Crypts practice, trying to work in back light and flash, but they all came out horrible. I hope this week I can get something...

The Warm Fuzzy Factor

We've implemented the warm fuzzy reward system that my kindergarten teacher, Ms. Costello used on my class.

Ami earns warm fuzzies by showing voluntary acts of kindness and responsibility as well as completing  her chore (sorting out her and Ollie's clean clothes).

Five warm fuzzies reward her a 23 min long show (Dora, Diego, Curious George... ya know).
If she wants, she can save up her warm fuzzies for two shows or a small toy.

Last night, she had saved up her ten warm fuzzies and decided to get a small toy.
After gymnastics today, we went over to Target where she picked out a hot pink pig piggy bank. It's kind of awesome... she carried it around the store... sometimes putting it on the floor, forgetting it as we walked away. After she realized she had left it and returned to the pig, she said, "I found you, pig!" along with something like, "I won't do it again" or "I'm sorry!"
She also dropped it once, chipping it's ear.

After all this, though, we got home and noticed her pig wasn't in the bag.  I called Target and said we can pick up another one.  She didn't seem to mind too much, though.

I'm sad the picture above turned out so blue :(  I'm glad I learned to change the setting though so I got a warmer shot for the one below.

The egg carton in this picture is Ami's warm fuzzy box. She puts a warm fuzzy in a numbered cup. I left the last cup of each row open, of course. 

Photography Class

I had my first photography class with Stephen Graham.
We talked about the triangle of camera exposure: aperture, ISO, and shutter speed.

This is was our hand out.  It was our hand out exactly.

It makes me feel stunted that I'm going to a class for something that I can get off the internet, but I need the interaction.

Our homework is to take photos over the week and email him a few so he can hook his computer to a monitor for next class and we can go over our photographs.

After my class, I went to a roller derby rules meeting. There I got stuck in a ditch and got pulled out. I also brought chocolate cookies and salty oatmeal cookies. I met a red bone coon hound named Boomer.
I also tried to implement some info I learned from my class and took pictures.
I also took pictures at home...

We played when we got home. I made some food... you know, the usual ish.

Oh!  I made this grilled lemonade vodka spritzer which was really tasty.

I'm just exhausted now.  Mike is home.
Kids are in bed.
I'm going to watch some Don Juan DeMarco and eat some cookies.

Fart Tale...

Last night I was getting Ami ready for bed, and of course, she was prolonging the process.

As I was trying to get her night time diaper on, she was moving. Then she started wiggling her butt.

She said, "I'm wagging my fart tail."

The End.

Derby Workshop and Gymnastics Show

On Saturday, I got up at 3:30am for the first part of the Derby Workshop in Hagerstown, MD.

Ppl have seen my eyeballs that late... but not that early.

Teflon Donna, one of  the top skaters in the US, taught us (not-so-basic) basics like hockey stops and backwards duck walks.

We lined up to hit and be hit, using a cross over for momentum to hit our still and breathing dummy. I got hit so hard I was on the floor for a few seconds longer than I normally am.

I came home around 12:30 and got Ami ready for her date w Nina at the Y.  Nina's kids were having a show for Healthy Kids' Day.

Ami did so amazingly well.

Ami had such a great time and she felt like a big kid. 

Sunday night I went to Part 2 of the Derby Workshop.

We worked on offensive and defensive blocking. I took and gave some hits.

We learned strategy and scrimmaged.

I got home at 12:30am I believe and I was exhausted.

I am so fortunate to have been able to be part of this. I learned so much and will utilize all of it.